[helene_t]

So this morning it happened again. A female BBO friend told me she had to block a male bridge partner who wanted sex.

Once, long time ago, I was a yellow. I quit after a couple of weeks for a variety of reasons, one of them being yellow calls where the problem I had to resolve apparently was that someone needed to know my bra size.

I have lost count of the number of male bridge partners, or, in some cases opponents, who wanted to know my WhatsApp number. And asked if I had a boyfriend.

I am not sure what to do about it. Some easy solutions include using a male identity or a profile pic of my toothless granny. But if that is necessary I'd rather just quit. I do, though, frequently log in invisible which reduces the problem somehow.

What about one-click report options for explicit sexual suggestions (which could effectuate a ban when confirmed) plus an option for unsolicited approaches without explicit sexual content (which could effectuate a warning)?

It happens so frequently that writing abuse reports all the time is tedious.

[pilowsky]

Online platforms in general don't feel like safe spaces.
I use https://thispersondoesnotexist.com/ to generate profile pictures.

[mycroft]

I am tired of this. Not as tired, I am sure, as the women on here, but this is ludicrous. And, unfortunately, totally believable.

Standard disclaimer applies, and it goes double this time: I occasionally work for the ACBL, but I never speak for them online. I clean up duplicates here on the forums, but I definitely do not speak for BBO.

There are many other biases, whether system, tech vs feel, over-disclosure vs minimal, even "do what you would do anyway" vs "have you actually *read* 73C? And maybe some of them should be argued (but hopefully not belittled).

There are also other comments made to people from non-NA countries, not-common politics or religions, and there's also the reason the ABA *still* exists (and current attitudes in other directions we all know about from that other thread)(*). And all of that is awful, and I am happy I don't see much. Those that do - I support you as well.

But the one that hits bridge players of all nationalities, playing styles, races, religions and politics - at least half of them - is this. And it's awful, and shouldn't happen, and I will call it out if I see it.

And anyone who claims "I can't help it, it's hardwired into the straight male" - I'm one too. And I know the feeling. And somehow I've managed (despite *that* other thread) to play bridge for 40 years (and office and school life for a similar time) without thinking a random woman wanted something other than bridge or work; or if I did, keeping my [-] thoughts to myself and do no more than "you clearly dress to be attractive. I say hello and take Miss Manners' 'one look down, one look up' to notice, and then it's cow-orker/partner/opponent."

And I know "you" can too. You know how I know? I've spent 20 years directing at bridge tournaments, and 20 years in the office with men and women, and *I've never heard this happen*. Now I *know* it happens. I've read Machlin's book. I've had *several* women tell me, or tell me what they've heard from (anonymous to me, but not to them) others. And if "you" haven't, it's not because your female friends are lucky...if you don't know the end of this sentence, it should be easy to search.

But it's *never* happened in front of me where I would have to act on it. Because strangely enough, they do know how to "help it" - when it could get them in trouble.

But private message (or think it is)? Or anywhere else that is deniable if it comes out, and "nobody would be that obnoxious", or ...? Well, I remember the joke about MPs vs IMPs, and I remember [European pro, name withheld here, you can look it up yourself if you're that interested] stating on The Other Site that that joke had been used as her reason for being on the *National* team, and IIRC in her opinion some of them were not totally joking. But again, not where anyone who could do anything about it could hear...

Frankly, I have no idea how [name withheld] deals with it. Because I am certain she does. And [name withheld]. And [name withheld]. And... And Helene, for that matter. I am impressed that they do, and gutted that they have to.

All I can say, apart from the frustration, is what I said to her: "I hear. I believe. I'm sorry you have to deal with it."
Oh, and "I already call this out and report it when it's official. For the times I 'let it go' when it was just (really!) 'locker room talk', I am sorry; I will strive to not let it go in future. And I hope others like me take me up on that challenge." So they might think twice, and there will be fewer places where this won't get them as do in trouble.

I don't know what BBO can do about this to make it easier, either. I hope they do.

(side: as someone who is *still* dealing with the repercussions of "hiding" himself to get through high school - it is not a good solution. It is not the solution to the problem, because it is not the victim's problem to solve. Those who feel they must to live their life - I support them too. But they shouldn't *have* to, and it in no way takes the onus off the rest of us to make it as unnecessary as we can.)

(*)The Paradox of Tolerance applies. Just in case it wasn't obvious.